I asked George for advice

He told me what I was too cowardly to face.

I asked George for advice, and he told me what I was too cowardly to face. Or too delusional to entertain. This won’t work. I am leaving. The journal entries from the past only confirmed it. It won’t work. He must find someone else to fill up this space for a partner. I cannot deny myself. I must deny myself of him. I am selfish, even in this. I was selfish to ignore my mind for my body. My body is the most selfish. Always craving. My mind even more so. ambitious and self serving. I will leave.

I want to delete his number. Or block him. Or return his gifts. Or stop existing in his memories. I need to do something final. I removed his name from my list of allowed contacts in do not disturb. It was too little.

This is heartbreak, but very familiar. I know I will move forward. This is nothing compared to the severance of a friendship bond, one I suffered at the beginning of the year. This year has been exceptionally beautiful. The more painful it is, the more the beauty.

I find myself dragging multiple heartbreaks around. I find myself in mourning for my life here. I find myself in mourning for my city. I am already a ghost, and I allow myself become translucent.

If ghosts are invisible out of fear of another, then so I must be. This year, I have found fear. I fear myself trapped. I fear, trapped.

I did not think myself so paralysed. We are all disabled persons. How often we silence ourselves out of fear. How often we give up on being heard. How often we cover our ears.